Decoding "The Secret"

I'm writing today to discuss the idea of manifesting what we want in life, as this has been a topic at the forefront of many talk shows and public conversations of late. In particular, I'd like to address some aspects of the book The Secret that I believe have been misinterpreted or misunderstood based on the "sensationalized" promotional and media coverage we've experienced around this work. If we can view this book as just one of many helpful tools in understanding our lives, but not consider this the answer to all of our problems, we'll be much more successful, I think, in understanding the principles it discusses. Unfortunately, many people I've encountered have experienced distress because they believe they are failures at creating the lives they wish for, and they blame themselves for this failure.

I do believe wholeheartedly in the concept of the Law of Attraction, and consider it a profoundly powerful principle at work in our world. By this I mean that human beings "resonate" and "vibrate" emotionally and energetically at certain levels, and the character of our energetic output will absolutely shape what is attracted to us in our lives. I remember even as a very young child being able to "feel" the energy of individuals and groups as a whole, and sensed when certain people emitted an energetic "frequency" that felt uncomfortable or discordant to me (I must say that this "sensing" ability made large gatherings and corporate meetings very challenging for me at times!"). I know now that this energetic vibration is indeed palpable, and provides useful information for us, if we'll heed it.

What does this concept of "energetic resonance" mean? I believe that when we are habitually engrossed in thoughts and actions of negativity, unkindness, judgment, cruelty, insecurity, and fear, and when we act from the belief that each of us is separate from all others, then there is virtually no way we can, with consistency and regularity, attract energetically to us that which resonates on a higher level (i.e., love, beauty, peace, harmony, compassion, oneness, fulfillment, joy, etc.). This is so because we are not in a place to be able to perceive or receive this higher level of experience--our "filters" will not allow it.

So what can we do about it? The first step is to become highly aware of your thoughts, and how your thoughts feel. We must be aware of our beliefs and thoughts, and how they impact us emotionally and energetically. From this awareness, we need to choose "better-feeling" thoughts when we are distressed, upset, fearful, etc. We must actively select and reach for thoughts that bring us even a little bit of relief, release, peace of mind, and a trusting that all will be well in the end, and that we are able to cope with what we're experiencing. This process expands and grows over time, and allows us to continue feeling relief, even in the face of upsetting events.

Contrary to public opinion and some messages in the book The Secret and others, my experience with hundreds of distressed individuals reveals that we simply cannot shift from feeling as if our knees are knocking together in fear and negativity, to a state of utter peace, joy, and happy expectancy, in one fell swoop. This type of emotional turn-around requires great inner work and an ongoing commitment to the belief that we do indeed affect what we attract into our lives-- in fact, we "co-create" it. Knowing that we can and do influence what occurs in our lives reminds us that we are not hapless victims, but life students and lifetime learners -- we realize that what emerges is there specifically for us to embrace and learn from.

From my vantage point, we are here to physically manifest and experience all of what life has to offer in order for us to hone our own deep and specific preferences for what we personally choose to bring forth into being. When we understand this concept, then feeling peaceful internally, despite what is occurring outside of us, is a natural and life-affirming way of being.

As a helpful tool, I'd like to recommend a wonderful and powerful book called Ask and It Is Given: Learning to Manifest Your Desires, by Esther and Jerry Hicks. This book, and the teachings of Abraham it offers, helps explain how "reaching for a better-feeling thought" is so powerful in manifesting what you dream of. Do check it out!

To assist those who wish to understand the Law of Attraction a bit more deeply, I'm holding a group coaching workshop that will explore this concept, and help you gain clarity about the messages and powerful lessons that your current life situation is revealing today (please contact kathy@kathycaprino.com for details).

I'd like to share with you too my belief that we are not here in this lifetime so that everything will be perfect, smooth, and carefree always, according to our individual plan. Our personal plans are always based on our own myopic and short-sighted views. I believe there is a higher and far more beautiful plan that incorporates all of us. We cannot see or know this plan, but trusting that it exists is very peace-inducing.

It is so helpful to realize that we are not in total control of life, nor would we really want to be at this time in our development. There are things that occur in our lives that happen for our highest benefit and growth, and for the highest good of all involved, but often these occurrences may not remotely resemble what we would actively and consciously want to attract to us, because our understanding of our own potential is limited.

How do we handle these "unattractive" events and situations then? We accept them for the lessons they offer, incorporate these insights and teachings as best we can, and then release the pain associated with them. And as we release the pain, disappointment, or trauma, wonderful new thoughts and beliefs bubble up to the surface that help us feel loved, supported, cared for, nourished, nurtured. In the end, we learn to trust that we are in good hands, always. The emotional pain is meant to be temporary, as a gentle (or not so gentle) nudge from the Universe to pay attention and continue to develop our preferences about these events or happenings. But holding onto the pain and projecting it into the future, as so many of us do, again misses the point completely.

The "secret" isn't about bringing to you everything you want. It's about loving and embracing yourself and your life right now. The more you embrace who you are and what you have already created, the more you will experience an expansion of the feelings of gratitude, peace, joy, love, and fulfillment, no matter what the outer circumstances in life provide.

When you achieve this type of internal acceptance and gratitude, and use your intuition and heart to guide you each day with each step, then life is inevitably filled with more and more to be grateful for each day.

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Do you have any stories you'd like to share about how The Secret and its concepts have (or haven't) been of service to you? If so, please feel free to share your stories here. I'd love to hear from you.

Once again, thank you for reading and sharing.

I am wishing you a time of great positive attraction and feeling good always!

Kathy

Is Positive Reinvention in the Wings for You?

As many of you know, I've been on the road of reinvention for more than five years now, and it's been a fascinating, exciting, and often bumpy ride. As I have endeavored to let go of habitual thoughts and actions that no longer support me, I've released many negative and limiting beliefs about life in general, as well as my own capabilities, strengths, gifts, and talents.

I've also come to know more intimately what I value and hold dear, both personally and professionally. In the end, I've come to understand and live from the knowledge that each of us is here at this time to fulfill a very important purpose, but until we get "real" with ourselves, that purpose remains unclear at best.

Do you know your unique purpose? Do you feel you're on your own path of finding fulfillment, meaning, joy, and expansion in life? If the answer is "yes," I'm sure that your clarity is inspirational to you as well as to others.

If the answer is "no" or "I don't know," your acknowledgement of this is a great sign that positive change is in the wings. I know from experience that it is indeed possible to discover all that you need to by getting to know yourself intimately, once and for all, and accepting and honoring your uniqueness. Your specialness--what makes you who you are--is not an accident. You are a perfect combination of history, experience, wounds, traumas, triumphs, joys, and brilliant wisdom and knowledge. All of this coalesces to create the special filter through which you experience life.

If you know who you are, and act from this knowledge every day, then reinvention is not necessary. If on the other hand you've lost touch with yourself, as I had, I hope you'll consider getting on the path to reinvention and reclaiming your life direction, in whatever manner inspires and excites you.

There are so many great resources, books, courses, etc. available to jumpstart this reinvention process. One book I've found transformational is The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz. This small, practical guide to personal freedom unlocked something immensely powerful in me -- the idea that we must use our words impeccably (without "sin" or going against ourselves or others.) In order to support and love ourselves, we must express this love and support outwardly with our words and actions.

This little book helped me walk away from using my words to attack, criticize, demean, judge or go against others, and in doing so, go against myself. I slip up all the time, of course. But my awareness has been heightened as to the tremendous power of my words to move mountains, or conversely, to tear them down if the need emerges to do so.

Reinvention is a life-giving process. When we reinvent ourselves for our own greater good, we heal generations ahead of us as well as those who came before.

If you would like to share your stories of reinvention, or of how books like The Four Agreements have changed your life, I'd love to hear them. Please feel free to contribute here. Your story will inspire others, and help us all remember that embracing ourselves fully, and walking into our own creative power instead of fighting against it, is all that we truly require to experience the creation of a life of great meaning, growth, and joy.

Thank you very much for reading and sharing.

Relaxing into What Is - Why It's Essential

This month, I am endeavoring to crystallize the important key findings that are emerging from my interviews (47 conducted to date) with women nationwide who have overcome professional crisis and transformed their lives and work (the study is Women Overcoming Professional Crisis: Finding New Meaning in Life and Work, co-sponsored by The Esteemed Woman Foundation). These interviews have been so inspiring, and have deeply expanded my love and admiration of women the world over. It has become even clearer to me all the many ways women strive to expand their lives, and to support and improve the life experiences of others.

This week, Laurie, a dear friend and colleague, was reviewing my research findings. In doing so, she shared with me a process that she has found to be essential in thriving through change. Her words were very meaningful (and true!) for me, so I’d like to share them with you.

Laurie shared:

“I have discovered that it is critical to trust that the circumstances in which you find yourself are exactly where you are meant to be. It seems that this experience [of embracing fully where you are] is precisely the catalyst for change. There is tremendous power in not resisting where you are, and in relaxing and being ok with not knowing what your next move will be, or where it may take you. Often in the midst of desperately wanting to make a change, it is very challenging to create a list of meaningful goals, objectives, etc., especially when you really don’t know where to “go from here.” My personal discovery was that when I didn’t think too hard, and just let it go and trusted that the universe would help me to see, I was in a far more liberating space.

There is great power in rewarding yourself for not knowing what’s next. This experience of not knowing perhaps might even be one of our goals. This open space allowed me to continue to “talk out loud” until I led myself to the path that was right for me. If I tried too hard to make a change it never came to fruition, because it wasn’t from my heart.”
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What helpful advice Laurie gives. I, along with Laurie and many others, have found there is great positive energy and power in being OK with the present, even (especially) in the chaos. This "not knowing" state represents that we are willing to fly by the seat of our pants, be authentic in our words and actions, process our experience fully, and firmly trust in ourselves and in the creative power we share and hold.

I would add that when we move too quickly to reduce our own discomfort of the moment, we often bring about our own suffering, and our actions misfire. I have lived this experience quite a few times in the past. Now, when I am deeply uncomfortable or worried, I allow myself to feel it fully. I DO NOT take concrete action until I feel more able to move forward from a sense of balance, acceptance, and understanding of what is.

Both Laurie and I agree that being OK with not seeing the next step requires daily practice. The wonderful news is that the more we practice, the easier it is to own it and when necessary, realign and correct our path and our thinking, so that it continually comes from the heart and from a rock-solid belief that there is an ultimate perfection to all of it.

Thank you, Laurie, and all my colleagues, research participants, friends, and fellow transitioners, for your wonderful insights and wisdom. What a brilliant and inspirational group you are!

So...what is difficult for you to "relax into" right now?

Getting Support in Times of Change

As a coach and a therapist, I work with hundreds of people each year who are going through dramatic change of some kind or another, and are in need of support from their families, friends, colleagues and others. We often discuss what healthy support is, and how feels when we receive support that gives us the strength and confidence to persevere.

So what does helpful support look like? From my perspective, positive support shows up in many ways, and is expressed verbally and non-verbally, through language, beliefs, attitudes, and behavior. Supportive people communicate that:

• They can understand what you are doing and why, even if they don't fully agree
• They are positive, encouraging, bolstering, and uplifting in their language, attitudes, and behavior
• They express their belief in your ability to succeed
• They express joy at your success and happiness (and feel it!)
• If/when they have concerns, they express them calmly and productively
• They know the difference between their agenda and yours
• Overall, those who are truly supportive want you to be all you can be in this life, and express that desire in their actions and words.

So what can we do to elicit even more support from family and friends? Here are some tips that can help:

• Present your ideas "half-baked." Allow others to brainstorm and problem-solve with you, which helps them to become more invested in your process and your progress. Avoid "done deals."
• Open a dialogue about the support you need. Don't go "underground" with your need for help.
• Make it clear what you need and want. Say to your family and friends: "It's very important for me to have your support on this. May I please tell you what would be most helpful to me?"
• Identify actions that are specific, behavioral, and measurable in what you ask for. For instance, one client asked her spouse, "Honey, I would very much like to take this new class, but it would mean I'll need some extra help two nights a week for a month. Would you be able to give the kids dinner and put them to bed while I'm at school?"
• Ask, "What can I do to make it easier for you to support me on this?" Then consider the answer, and take action on it.
• Develop a support plan together that you all can buy into, and revisit frequently.
• Finally, when they are supportive, show your deep appreciation for their help and flexibility.

These small steps can make a big difference. But what can we do when we're still not getting the support we need?

There are many factors that contribute to lack of support from family, friends, and colleagues. To understand it more fully, it's important to look at what's going on from a process standpoint as well as a content level. In other words, ask yourself, "What can my family's or friend's lack of support tell me about myself, my relationships, or this new step that I should understand?"

Sometimes, a friend is jealous of your success or your expansion, and just cannot be fully present or happy for you at this time. In this case, your compassion helps. But also it might point to the need for a stronger boundary to be developed, so that you will know if and when the right time comes to walk away from this non-supportive friend.

Other times, non-support reflects a concern on the part of a family member or friend that perhaps the path you are taking seems a bit shaky, risky, or potentially difficult. If this is the case, it's very important to open your mind and heart, and fully process the information your family/friend is telling you. Look at it, explore it non-defensively, and decide if any of this is information that you haven't considered. It very well may be. If not, then it's time to articulate your stance with confidence and strength. Try to convey how and why this step, from your perspective, is critical to your happiness.

Finally, it is helpful to look at where you are not receiving support. Get clear on where your buttons are being pushed in the process (what makes you become defensive, insecure, indignant, angry). By examining your own "process," you will develop a deeper understanding of where you might need a bit more clarity, confidence, and courage to follow your new path.

Here's a crucial point many people don't realize: Once you get completely clear on your new direction, you'll find that you are more able to attract into your life the type of support and assistance you need.

When you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this new step feels right, you can move mountains, and you won't let a few naysayers stand in your way!

Wishing you joyful and exciting transitions.
Kathy

Welcome to my new Reinveinting Ourselves Blog

I have created this as a forum for positive discussion, insights, questions, and thoughts aimed to assist all those who are wishing to positively reinvent or transform at least one aspect of their lives.

This week, I'd like to focus on a question:
"Do you believe that following your dreams would make your life happier?

Recently, Paul Coelho, a world-renowned author of The Alchemist and other transformational books whom I admire, posed the question on Yahoo, "Can following your dreams make the world a better place?" I was truly amazed at the feedback. While some believed that following one's dreams would lead to great outcomes, many individuals were afraid that others might follow dreams of destruction or hurting people.

I believe that we are meant to follow our dreams, but only after we've fully understood them, and only when they represent our highest selves. When we move forward to bring into being our most joyful, loving, expansive, creative, and expressive self, we don't want to do harm or cause pain. We want to bring ourselves and others joy and freedom. When we want to do harm, we are thinking and acting only from a wounded aspect of ourselves. If that is the case, the dream is a metaphor for what needs to be addressed in our lives, and healed.

But if following our dreams would be helpful to ourselves, it is usually of help to others. If our dreams are about expanding, being creative, being more real and authentic, then I believe we must follow our dreams, or we are wasting a precious opportunity called life.

So, I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on what your life would be like if YOU followed your dreams (your deepest wishes for yourself and your life).

What do you dream to be and do?

What holds you back from doing that?

Do you think you'd have a more joyful life if you moved forward to your dreams, today?

Thanks for sharing!